Fifty Shades of Cheesy.

So I usually jump on book bandwagons because I want to be a part of the reading crowd of teeny boppers that hype up the best-seller shelves at Barnes and Noble (and I need some new conversation-starters slash blog topics). I decided to pick up the Fifty Shades trilogy this past weekend since that appears to be the newest thing in the book-trilogy-turning-movie-trilogy trend... and let me just tell you, it is awful.

As I got through the first few chapters, I began to imagine that this would be what reading a Danielle Steele novel must feel like. The cheesy, over-the-top romantic, love story of a naive, innocent, clumsy [and virgin] female that somehow manages to catch the eye of an experienced, drop-dead gorgeous, intellectual, business-savvy, late-twenties success-story, billionaire CEO. Like come on. Seriously? The plot then turns when you find out that this insanely successful and gorgeous man is into BDSM. And then from that point forth, the two characters just have sex. Again. And again. And again. Like after every two to three pages. To the point that I just started flipping through chapters because it had absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the book and I had lost all interest (I'm not even sure that a meaningful plot exists until the second and third books...sorta?). And then every time they sleep together, he tells her how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how she's his everything, how he's hers only, etc. etc. EVERY single time. EVERY two to three pages. Like come on - this can't be real.

I mean, at least turn him into a vampire if this is going to be that fictional of a depiction of a relationship - Let's not mask it under the guise of reality to further confuse the already helpless single females out there that this controlling, dominant, yet perfect man will change into a 'hearts-and-flowers' guy all of a sudden for a clumsy, average, naive chick he just met.

On top of that, the author only utilizes the two verbs, "murmuring" and "whispering," when describing the communication between these two main characters. Example: "Anastasia whispered, 'Bye, Mr. Grey.' Christian murmured back, 'Laters baby.'" And the murmuring and whispering continues incessantly throughout the entire trilogy. Can these mo-fos speak in normal voices!? I guess the author is trying to convey the 'sensuality' of their conversations, but I'm not really a romantic, so to me, this just adds to the cheese-factor. Because believe me, if I whispered "Hi Eric" to Eric one day, his response would not be a 'murmur' back. Rather, it would be more along the lines of, "Did you get tonsilitis again? Wtf is wrong with your voice?"

I'm not trying to be a hater, nor trying to be a book snob (because believe me, I read some embarrassing stuff and I am all aboard the Hunger Games hype train). I just think these books are so terribly corny and unrealistic... Although I am interested in seeing who plays Christian Grey in the movie (which I will most likely watch, I'm not going to lie) so I can swoon over him with some murmurs and whispers...

And like I said on Twitter, I'm also going to need one of my friends to find herself a real-life Christian Grey (sans BDSM - unless that's your thing, I guess) so I can be a part of her entourage. Thanks.

Joe: I dont think I want to be associated with your blog. Unlike you, I have political aspirations.

Ugh. This is the SECOND time I have embarrassed myself in a work e-mail. I swear I proofread emails, and yet, I still cannot stop making inappropriate typos!

Today I received an instant message via our work messenger system from one of our product schedulers.

Loren: Read the email you just sent me.

So I open up this email that I wrote to her in response to her question asking if we can process some product at the refinery.

Here was my one-line response:

Yes, we can re-process all three, and you can post them to nudist.

By ‘nudist,’ I meant ‘undist,’ which is a category in this scheduling program that we use. Spell check clearly did not recognize the word ‘undist’ and thought ‘nudist’ would be a more appropriate correction.  I also must not have been paying much attention to the change, as is evident by the fact that this message was in my ‘sent’ mail.

I wrote back to her to say:

Amara: It’s a good thing Paula wasn't copied on that one :-/

(Paula is the manager of the department)

Just as I type this, I hear the entire floor of schedulers cracking up. And then Loren’s response:

Loren: I sent it to her that's why you can hear us all laughing....you made our day!!!

Womp womp.

So I tell Joe this story, which obviously, means I get a response that will make me feel 100 times better. And by ‘better,’ I mean worse.

Joe: hahaha that’s amazing

Joe: you and your Freudian slips

Joe: either that or they toss it up to the fact that they assume English is your second language.

So Joe, for that comment alone and the aforementioned comment in the subject line above, you have now been shouted out in my blog.

An Ode To My Future Husband.

Ugh I’ve become really awful at writing in this blog. I have two weeks off of school and I feel like that means that I should be doing absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, ‘nothing’ actually translates to still working full-time, still waking up early to go to the gym, still running errands and everything else remaining the same in my life except for not having to do homework. Although the ‘nothing’ does translate to still using a cleaning service because I feel like even without homework, I still don’t have the energy to do thorough bi-weekly apartment cleanings.

So the reason I’m not letting myself take a break from the gym is that I’ve been on this losing weight kick which started around mid-January of this year and has been a LOT of work. I’m really jealous of those girls that can eat their body weight in food and still remain skinny with minimal working out. Or the girls that can be perfectly content with not eating more than steamed vegetables and brown rice. Or the ones that are naturally athletic and can run ten miles a day with as much effort as it takes for them to walk down their driveways to get mail from their mailbox. I’m so jealous that I want to punch them in their faces.

So for me to lose weight, I have been limiting myself to 1100-1200 calories a day (which as I mentioned before, is an ungodly low amount of calories, and I can easily and comfortably eat twice that in one meal), waking up at 5:30 am to run 2-3 miles outside every morning five days a week and then after work, on the days when I don’t have class, going to an hour of cardio classes three more times a week. This is a LOT of work. And my recurring episodes of tonsillitis are not helping the situation. There have been three separate, inconsecutive weeks since April 1^st when I had a fever, laid in bed, couldn’t work out for a week, and as a result, got upset and ate massive quantities of chocolate until I started gaining weight back. Damn you, stress and genetics!

All in all, I lost 15 lbs, and I still have a few more left to go. But honestly, I can’t even imagine having the time and effort to keep this up when I actually have a family and more work commitments. Really, this blog entry is just meant to be an advanced apology to my future husband for deceiving him with my current weight and becoming 50 lbs heavier post-childbirth. Oh, yeah. And for the fact that there will be a 50% chance that I pass my short, unathletic and excessive-weight-gaining genes on to our future children. Sorry, babycakes, there will be no NBA playing children in our future.  But probably some future presidents of the robotics club. Who will most likely get beat up on the playground a few times in elementary school too.