Fifty Shades of Cheesy.

So I usually jump on book bandwagons because I want to be a part of the reading crowd of teeny boppers that hype up the best-seller shelves at Barnes and Noble (and I need some new conversation-starters slash blog topics). I decided to pick up the Fifty Shades trilogy this past weekend since that appears to be the newest thing in the book-trilogy-turning-movie-trilogy trend... and let me just tell you, it is awful.

As I got through the first few chapters, I began to imagine that this would be what reading a Danielle Steele novel must feel like. The cheesy, over-the-top romantic, love story of a naive, innocent, clumsy [and virgin] female that somehow manages to catch the eye of an experienced, drop-dead gorgeous, intellectual, business-savvy, late-twenties success-story, billionaire CEO. Like come on. Seriously? The plot then turns when you find out that this insanely successful and gorgeous man is into BDSM. And then from that point forth, the two characters just have sex. Again. And again. And again. Like after every two to three pages. To the point that I just started flipping through chapters because it had absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the book and I had lost all interest (I'm not even sure that a meaningful plot exists until the second and third books...sorta?). And then every time they sleep together, he tells her how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how she's his everything, how he's hers only, etc. etc. EVERY single time. EVERY two to three pages. Like come on - this can't be real.

I mean, at least turn him into a vampire if this is going to be that fictional of a depiction of a relationship - Let's not mask it under the guise of reality to further confuse the already helpless single females out there that this controlling, dominant, yet perfect man will change into a 'hearts-and-flowers' guy all of a sudden for a clumsy, average, naive chick he just met.

On top of that, the author only utilizes the two verbs, "murmuring" and "whispering," when describing the communication between these two main characters. Example: "Anastasia whispered, 'Bye, Mr. Grey.' Christian murmured back, 'Laters baby.'" And the murmuring and whispering continues incessantly throughout the entire trilogy. Can these mo-fos speak in normal voices!? I guess the author is trying to convey the 'sensuality' of their conversations, but I'm not really a romantic, so to me, this just adds to the cheese-factor. Because believe me, if I whispered "Hi Eric" to Eric one day, his response would not be a 'murmur' back. Rather, it would be more along the lines of, "Did you get tonsilitis again? Wtf is wrong with your voice?"

I'm not trying to be a hater, nor trying to be a book snob (because believe me, I read some embarrassing stuff and I am all aboard the Hunger Games hype train). I just think these books are so terribly corny and unrealistic... Although I am interested in seeing who plays Christian Grey in the movie (which I will most likely watch, I'm not going to lie) so I can swoon over him with some murmurs and whispers...

And like I said on Twitter, I'm also going to need one of my friends to find herself a real-life Christian Grey (sans BDSM - unless that's your thing, I guess) so I can be a part of her entourage. Thanks.