But I just want to be your friend.

One of the pick-up lines that infuriates me the most is when I tell a guy at a bar that I have a boyfriend and he responds with “Well, just give me your number anyway and we can just be friends.” 

I swear I hear that at least once a night when I’m at any bar, whether in Philly or NYC or AC or Vegas. Where do guys get this ridiculous line from? Do girls really encourage the repetition of this line with responses like, “Ok! Cool! I need more friends anyway and you seem like an ideal candidate!”?  Do guys then take that statement and share its success amongst each other all over the country? If there are girls that respond like that out there, please introduce me to them so I can kick them in the face (Just kidding, I don’t promote violence).

The next time this line is used on me, I vow that I will take the guy up on their offer and I will make him wish that he never asked to be my friend. 

This is the scenario that is currently playing out in my head:

- First, I am going to pretend that he is just like my best friend, Julie and I am going to talk to him exactly how (and in the same frequency that) I talk to her.

- I am going to call him at 7 am on Saturday mornings when I wake up to tell him all about my feelings regarding a situation that happened the night before. If he doesn’t answer, I will leave him a several-minute long voicemail detailing the aforementioned feelings. 

- I will then text him a few hours later telling him how painful my cramps are and how Midol just doesn’t cut it. And how sometimes I feel like I want to tear my uterus out and throw it against a brick wall (I apologize if I just lost a lot of my readers with that visual).

- I will then text him a few hours later and ask him if he thinks my highlights make me look too blonde, or like I’m trying to be something I’m not, or if I’m just being crazy because sometimes I overanalyze things…. And from there, I’d proceed to transition into a conversation about Eric and if something he did recently meant that he doesn’t value my feelings.

- Maybe a few hours later, I’ll email him a Facebook message that I received and ask him to decipher the true meaning of this message… If it was a friendly message, or something more, or maybe I’m just overanalyzing again….?

…You get the point. 

Basically, this will continue until he blocks my number on his phone – with the ultimate goal being that he will never attempt to ask a girl with a boyfriend if they can just be friends. 

Oh, he will learn.