So Valerie came and spent last weekend with me and usually
when Valerie comes, we have a very activity-filled and eventful weekend. So upon
her arrival on Friday night, we went to an improv comedy show. I’m going to
take a side bar to just note my thoughts about improv; I’ve been to two improv
shows in the past month and I’m not really sure how I feel about them. I did think ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway’ was
funny, but again, their performances on the show had to be pretty amazing to
make it on a television series in the first place. Actual live improv shows are sometimes okay,
and I do crack a smile often, but I never really laugh out loud like I do
during stand-up. And I understand it’s a
lot harder to be funny when you are put on the spot than when you can practice
jokes, a routine and the delivery. Overall, I guess I’m just not that impressed yet with
improv.
Anyway, back to the night: after the show, we went to Walnut
Room with Alisa and her boyfriend. So we have a few drinks and all is well on
the dance floor until all of a sudden, a sneaker comes flying through the air
and hits Valerie in the head, and less than a millisecond later, the other
sneaker hits Alisa’s shoulder. So if you know Valerie, you know that when
something like that happens, it’s like the world becomes silent just waiting
for her reaction. And this is why…
The first time I ‘experienced’ Valerie in this type of
situation was at a frat party in Cornell circa 2003. So as you know, it was the early 2000s and a
frat party, so I was probably grinding up on some guy [of a certain ethnicity]
in a bubble jacket with fur on the hood to ‘err’body in the club getting tipsy…’
after having one too many Milwaukee’s Best or Keystone Lights. And at this point, I'm too into myself and singing along to the song that I don't notice where Valerie is or who she is with. Until suddenly, a crowd rushes towards the dance floor to
watch something going on [most likely a fight] and I look up, only to see
Valerie walking out of the crowd in the opposite direction a little too calm
and collected for my liking. So I asked
her what had just happened and she said “Oh some drunk girl was dancing and spilling
her beer all over my hair, so I didn’t say anything the first time it happened.
But the second time, I turned around, and grabbed her hand with the beer can
and crushed the can using her hand and threw it on the floor. I didn’t say
anything though. She just started crying or something. Whatever.”
So needless to say, a year or so later, we were all eating
brunch one morning in New York City when a waitress tripped and spilled
strawberry jam all over Valerie. Our entire table gasped and started saying a
silent prayer for the waitress for her bad luck that of all of the six people at
our table that she could have spilled something on, she had to spill it on
Valerie. Luckily, Valerie was in an
exceptionally good mood and did not say anything to make the waitress wish she
hadn’t been at work that day. But needless
to say, you can see why we were worried.
So, back to this sneaker incident…
The sneaker hits Valerie, the world goes silent. And
everyone on the dance floor stops and turns around to see Valerie’s reaction. She
grabs the sneaker from the floor and the other one from Alisa and is looking
around to who she should throw these back at. Until some guy comes rushing up
to Valerie apologizing profusely, while claiming that his friend was really
drunk and just took his sneakers off and threw them into the dance floor
without thinking. [I think I’m getting a
little too old for this type of situation to be commonplace at a bar.] He asks for the sneakers back, but Valerie
tells him “No, your friend can walk barefoot home.” The guy begs her that it’s winter and really cold
outside and to please give back the sneakers. To which Valerie shows little to
no sympathy. “Well, he shouldn’t have
thrown them in the first place.”
And so, the night proceeds as if nothing happened with
Valerie telling guys she can’t give them her phone number because she lives in
Zimbabwe.
We managed to thankfully, avoid public view for the rest of
the weekend to prevent more incidents like this from occurring. Although sometimes I miss the drama that Valerie
brings with her to Philly every few months because it adds some flavor to the
mundane nature of my normal life.
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